I

I'm not sure how to navigate this situation.

I'm not sure how to act or which course of action to take.

I'm not used to this role.

I do not know how to be on the opposite side of the hospital bed.

I do not know how to be the family member and not the nurse.

I do not know how to be the person wondering if it'll be okay, instead of the being the person telling someone that they will be okay.

I do not understand having to be consoled, as opposed to do the consoling.

I am heartbroken and speechless,

confused and exhausted,

helpless and hopeless.

I am tired of fighting and it's only been one week.

There's a long road ahead and I am terrified I'm going to break down.

I am fighting so hard to keep the faith, to stay hopeful and strong.

[But please tell me how I'm supposed to do this when I live in a world where I see children die of cancer all too often?]

But I will keep on fighting.

I will make my grandma laugh as often as I can.

I will make sure that the next months/years/whatever they may be are filled with love and oh so much fun.

I will let the tears come as often as they want.

and I will pray for courage & strength & hope & faith.

[For it is not my strength that I need, it's His. Mine fails me each and every time.]

Priscilla Ahn - Find My Way Back Home [Live Performance] from The Mighty Fifty on Vimeo.